


Four more letters

by solrosan



Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Additional Warnings Apply, Drugs, Grief/Mourning, Letters, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-03-20
Updated: 2012-03-20
Packaged: 2017-11-02 06:29:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 501
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/365957
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/solrosan/pseuds/solrosan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Four additional letters in John’s Sherlock-folder that I hope he deletes before Sherlock reads them.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Four more letters

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [I Can't Lose You Now](https://archiveofourown.org/works/359371) by [Laurtew](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Laurtew/pseuds/Laurtew). 



> I decided long ago (you know, all two months ago when TRF aired) that I wouldn’t write anything about John post-fall, pre-return because his mind space at that time scares me to no end. Then I read I can’t lose you now by laurtew and inside the frame she had created my muse got very active. Wonderful as Laura is, she let me explore it and here is the result.
> 
> I’m fairly sure none of this will make sense if you haven’t read her story first.

* * *

_17, August, 2012 –_

_Sherlock, I found something of yours today. Apparently I’m a better sniffer dog than Anderson, but don’t worry, your sock index is intact. For now. I didn’t find any syringes to go with the bottle though and I don’t know what to do with that. Did you drink it? Spike your tea with it? Did you steal new syringes every time you came and visited me at work? Was that why you came?_

_The label on the bottle is in your handwriting, did you actually dilute it yourself? Of course you did, who else would you trust playing with your chemicals? Did you mix your drugs at our kitchen table?_

_“.07 solution” it says, the label._

_“Solution” is such a funny word. I have never thought about it. Solution. Your solution to boredom._

_3, September, 2012 –_

_Sherlock, I’ve started to wonder if you had a point with your solution of choice. I understand, I think, better than ever, the need to escape one’s own mind. But to you, this solution was always temporary. I need it to be permanent._

_17, September, 2012 –_

_Sherlock, I know this is silly – borderline insane, even – but I feel like you wanted me to find the drugs. Like you wanted me to find a way to deal with it all. Forget it all. Be free from it all._

_Your solution seems like such an easy solution, if you get what I mean. No cold water, no blood. Perhaps not the easiest or most humane way, but your way. Your way. Your solution._

_You._

_I told you this borderlines insanity, but I miss you. I miss you so much I don’t think you understand! I miss you so much that I want to feel your solution, your bloody cocaine solution, in my veins. Just to get the smallest part of you back._

_And then perhaps never wake up to a world where you don’t exist._

_24, September, 2012 –_

_Sherlock, I took a syringe from work today._

_The bottle is next to the computer and I keep glancing at it, at the label. At your handwriting. Like that is your note and not the phone call. A handwritten note that will give me peace, closer. Like a note is supposed to do._

_You know, the call sometimes echoes in my head at night. I hear you lying to me, telling me it was just a magic trick, that you were a fake. Hear you telling me nobody is that clever. Hear you begging me to look at you…._

_I looked at you, Sherlock. I still see you fall. Every time I close my eyes, I see you fall._

_I wish I could do it here, in our flat. In your bed. Having you with me when I do this, as you had me there when you fell. I have to settle with having your solution solve all my problems._

_I would say that I was scared, but I’m not._

_I will see you soon, Sherlock._


End file.
